First, I want you to know, that you are doing the "normal thing" to feel confused and immersed in this "hot and cold" "intermitent" relationship. You are not crazy to want to know what is happening to you. 

I have studied Attachment throughout my whole career, there are not too many real Attachment Specialists, but when we get together, we have a silent understanding that Avoidants are the one group that has a very low prognosis for change.

Let me explain, as Attachment Specialists we know that Avoidants are mostly dragged into therapy by their partners, not by themselves or their own personal pain.

In order to understand an Avoidant person you need to use your Anxious Attached empathetic powers and transport yourself into the Avoidant mind and travel with me.

So!, Imagine this, a place where you do not need to learn anything. Yes! imagine seeing the world and you don't have to learn any emotional lessons, no lessons of maturity, no lessons or emotional evolution and no lessons of past mistakes. Very weird right? Who can live in a world like that? specially the adult world. Wouldn't we want to grow up and evolve?

Yes, of course that would be the "normal" thing to do, but it does not happen with Avoidant People. 

This does not mean they are horrible people or "Emotional Terrorists" (that's something someone said on the comments on my YoTube channel). This just means that they do not see the world the way you do.

Most Anxious Attached people that come to my practice say: "Is so easy to love, why cant they just do that?"- Why they can't do that? Because, they just can't.

They do not have the emotional resources that you have, as an Anxious person you have the same emotional resources as a Secure Person, is just the element of Anxiety that blurs your emotional vision and it generates painful relationships, but the secure blueprint lives inside of you. 

That is why a rehabilitated Anxious person can scale up and Become Secure and pair up with another Secure person. And you learn to become secure, with lessons, with learning and through training.

Avoidants do not have that, because they do not have that Secure blueprint within them. Their emotional world does not process lessons, and that prevents them from advancing the way you want them to. 

Most Anxious people think they just need to "give them some time" and they wait and wait and wait and nothing happens. Also, Anxious partners believe that by reiterating to them that you love them, that they can trust you will work. Grabbing your Avoidant partner's face and telling them you will make them happy, that you will show them you are the best partner, that you will never make them suffer or cry, it JUST WON'T WORK. 

Because of what I told you, they do not learn like that.

You might ask: "But Marianna, how come they learn other things? How come they end over backwards for other people, but not me?"

Good question. 

Avoidants will do that as a means of something that is called "Deactivating Strategies" using other relationships as separators between them and you. They use their kids, their parents, their exes, their neighbors , their pastors, they job, their hobbies, etc. 

Avoidants can learn cognitively a lot of things like any other human. in business, culture, even psychology, they can be very knowledgeable and wise people. But not with their internal emotions. because the don't have that connection, there is no path to their heart to make the changes you want them to make.

I have had many Anxious people bring their Avoidants Partners in my office and they all nod and say "Yes, I totally get it, I'm hurting my anxious partner" and they may seem contrite, but after the session the go home and they go back to what they usually do.

Their partners become even more confused, that the knowledge they gained through therapy seems to have disappeared, within hours!

When it comes to learning Emotional Intimacy, the biggest trait of an Avoidant is "Emotional Incompetence", they can be good citizens, good parents, good bosses, all kinds of good, even good lovers, but they are NOT good partners, at least not for Secure People and much less Anxious People. 

Another big question I get is "Don't they feel guilty of all they messed up things they do?"

Again, lets get inside their head. 

One of their biggest traits is "EMOTIONAL INCOMPETENCE", which means they cannot connect with their emotions the way you do. So, if they do something that hurts you, they know, they see it, but they don't connect deeply enough to feel it, they have "COGNITIVE EMPATHY" which is the kind of empathy you give at a funeral, to the wife of the person who passed away, that you have never met.

So, they can feel slightly guilty, but only momentarily, once they feel guilty they deactivate from their emotions and go back to what they usually do, which is disconnect, not just from you, but from the consequences of what they do. They know for a fact they hurt people, but they don't connect with the "EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY" that comes with it.

Another question I get is: "How can they live like that? they like who they are?

The answer is YES, they like who they are. And in the rare occasion their avoidance bothers them-Guess what happens? They disconnect from that emotion immediately and that is the SECRET WEAPON that helps them live just fine, with no pain.

So, now that you know this, let's dive into the "Avoidants Potential for change"

I know thats what you want to know, but first understand those previous concepts.

Avoidants, when pushed by their partners can follow along and go to therapy, from those that have been pushed into therapy is, my research.

When the Avoidant partner gets brought into therapy, they sit and they listen, they also advocate for themselves and admit on site to their partners pain, caused by their avoidance and emotional absence. But is very short lived. 

P-PETITE

I-INCONSISTEN

N-NEVER FOR YOU

Petite, refers to small, their changes will always be small and not to the level that you might be expecting, which is very frustration and will elevate your hypervigilance and make you extremely anxious.

Inconsistent, these small changes that are so unsatisfactory, will only happen once in a while.

This entails the "Counterbalancing Act". The avoidant person will make a change once they see you suffer, they will provide the new attitude momentarily and when they see you happy enough they will withdraw that affection and go back to what they do. This causes "Intermittent Reward" and that makes your partner's behavior highly addicting and that is one of the reasons is so hard to leave them.

Never for You, Avoidants will go to therapy, NOT FOR YOU, BUT TO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU AND YOUR EMOTIONS.

Their changes will appear, but the benefit has to be for them, the change will remain (PIN STYLE), to keep you warm enough to stay, which guarantees them a partner. That's a benefit for them.

They will make a change (PIN STYLE) TO NOT HAVE TO HEAR YOUR SERMONS OR YOUR COMPLAINING.

So, if you are following social media and is teaching you something, is opening your perspective and from there you do your own research, you read more, you consult with a therapist and from there you create your own journey towards healing, that makes you an alchemist of your own future and your own happiness, that means you are a 20% of the planet who are enjoying the benefits of emotional intelligence of this era, creating their own tangent. 

On the other hand, it is my belief that avoidants will change, but not like that, avoidants will grow along with the other 80% that grows alongs with the masses, just like we moved forward from a internet-less planet to an internet based world, and it took us almost 30 to provide with internet to most countries, just like that Avoidants will learn to connect, when the whole world advances in their emotional connection learning altogether. Avoidants will not stand out in their healing, like Anxious people do. They need more time.

And finally I want to tell you that trying to heal your Avoidant will not help you, it will only make you more anxious and more sick.

Look at the mediocrity of their change, you will chain yourself to consistently nudge someone to treat you nicely?

Trying to change them is a waste of your life. Your focus has to be on you, Becoming Secure.

I know breaking up with your avoidant makes you panic and it would be like setting your life on fire. Is understandable, all that avoidant behavior has highjacked your consciousness and your only mission now is to turn your avoidant into a loving partner.

If you are in an ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP, the first step is to develop an EXIT STRATEGY.